#ALL of this is self built. ALL. OF. IT.
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i hate when ppl see that you're conventionally attractive in some respects and think that means you've never suffered anything in your life. Quite the opposite for me, personally
#BECAUSE people assume that i suffer more actually. bc people try to ignore me to over compensate thinking im just getting endless#praise 'i dont deserve' elsewhere 😒😒😒😒🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄#i promise whoever doing this: you are not new or revolutionary for this. like i really really promise. this was my entire childhood w#certain family members. its far from new. its played. its tired#MOST people default to this. they think the confidence i have is bc of ppl blowing smoke up my ass when its more of some sort of rube#goldberg machine just barely getting by enough to look confident. im like two kids in a trench coat of confidence over here#ALL of this is self built. ALL. OF. IT.#i decided if no one was going to meaningfully love me- unconditionally- then i needed to be that for myself.#and bitch i took that shit seriously.#bc i refuse to let other ppls weird hangups about me make me think im just the worst person in the world when 80% of the time#im not even really doing shit.#the other 20% im probably doing shit bc im defending myself from some shit. hardly am i the one who WANTS to fight.
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the most difficult thing about growing as a person socially, as in getting out of your shell and noticing that you are, is that there will still be times when it doesn’t feel like you’ve grown at all! times when you can’t really connect with anyone around you, times when you fail to enter into an existing conversation, times when you say the wrong thing (or nothing at all when in hindsight you probably should’ve). but that’s also kind of the best thing, because that’s the thing that helps you realize that sometimes, it’s not you or your lack of skills or any shortcoming. sometimes certain environments just aren’t for you and certain people aren’t your people, and that’s okay. that’s human. it’s okay to not feel the progress you have made all the time.
#and that goes for every type of growth#backstory of this post:#after I came back after a few months of doing my international internship I felt so much more confident#it was easier making friends and walking up to people#i took more chances#and generally just heard it a lot from those around me who kept telling me how much i’d changed#this was further supported by my first office job that went pretty well#but then came my grad internship. and while i love the work and have met some great people I noticed it was difficult again#there was one office lunch where no one spoke to me at all! it was my first week and I didn’t know what to say#if i should even say anything#we were all sitting at the same table#not one person even glanced my way#it made me doubt myself; i was doing so well before#was that even real? why can’t I just speak up? this is not the way to connect with people#especially in my first week!#but you know what#i was still doing well. i just had to factor in the fact that these were all middle aged people talking about reality shows i didn’t watch#and bikes i knew nothing about#as well as people who knew i was the new intern yet didn’t speak to me at all even though I’d introduced myself to them all individually#and even so#people I couldn’t really talk to about MY interests outside of work either#my point being:#it’s okay to not feel a connection with everyone you meet#it’s okay to fall back into old habits even though you’ve developed new ones#it will never unravel the process you’ve made and the connections you’ve built#you’re doing fine#after this internship I will surround myself with people who reaffirm that belief#growth in the self#self love#positivity
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"HAHAHAHA FORDSY SURE IS DURABLE"
#gravity falls#ford pines#bill cipher#bord#implied self harm#i imagine bill throwing ford down the stairs is how that step broke#i had this sketched out way back in *checks watch* 2015....finally got around to making use of it#kept the sketchyness it felt fitting#anyway...he's....fine...#he's built ford tough after all
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my barbie tuoys i make them date
#transformers#maccadam#cyberverse#windblade#slipstream#windstream#im starting to get self conscious about how similar all my windstream fanarts are built conceptwise...#its fun to draw them this way im sorryyyyyyy
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jus wanted to say the Blurr spotlight comic was the first I ever read too except I hadd the exact opposite reaction I thought he was the most gorgeous thing I ever laid my eyes upon. I dunno I just thought that was funny
Ahaha oh well I thought he was ugly for like..first fifteen pages? And the more I looked at him the more I was like
#maccadam#blurr#I wasn't used to the art style at all#he was so blocky and basically painted two colors#which was looking so weird for my past I-only-saw-Tfp self#I opened to comic and went WTF bro built like an old printer#I learned to love his design without knowing there's another super pretty design of him in “windblade” :D
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what i like especially about the pronouns in the goblin emperor is that this language doesn't just have the T-V distinction (aka informal vs. formal second-person pronouns, in this case 'thou' vs. 'you'), it also has informal and formal first-person pronouns. having BOTH of these distinctions in the same language lets you fine-tune your tone by mixing and matching. with only one axis of formality, when you use informal pronouns, are you being familiar in an intimate way, or in an insolent or dismissive way? when you use formal pronouns, are you being polite or standoffish? you can't tell just from the pronouns; there's ambiguity. but a language where you can use a formal first-person pronoun in the same sentence as an informal second-person pronoun allows you to distance yourself (via the formal first) while also being familiar (via the informal second), thereby achieving the conversational tenor known to linguists as Fuck Thee Specifically.
#just kidding i don't know what linguists call that tenor. or any tenors. i'm not totally positive what a tenor even is#but i can't let that stop me from writing a jokey post on tumblr dot com#register is a very interesting area of linguistics that i know very little about#so i'm probably revealing the depths of my vast ignorance here to all the sociolinguists who surely hang on my every word#but i've always thought of the formal/informal pronoun thing as being about two things: intimacy-distance & rudeness-politeness#and of course you can usually tell from context whether a formal pronoun is meant to indicate distance or politeness#(plus distance and politeness are related to each other (to various degrees depending on culture))#but it seems like it would be cool to have a built-in alignment chart of sorts just for pronoun combos#instead of prep jock nerd goth...why not try intimate self-effacing polite superior?#the goblin emperor#pronouns#register#sociolinguistics#my posts#f#anyway i know i said i wasn't going to reread the goblin emperor...but guess what. lol#and i edited my tags on that earlier post but fyi the language DOES distinguish between plural and formal singular pronouns#i had said i thought it used the same pronouns for plural and formal but i just wasn't paying close enough attention#so anyway i just reread the part where maia is talking to setheris in formal first and informal second#and you can see setheris going ohhh shit. oh shit oh shit oh shit#i'm in biiiiiig trouble#you sure are dude. that's the Time to Grovel signal#it's interesting because at the very beginning of the book when i first saw the formal first used i just thought it was the royal we#because i knew the main character was supposed to be royalty#but then EVERYONE was doing it. so it's not the royal we it's just the formal we#however. this does make me realize that the way the royal we would function in a language that retains the t-v distinction#is the same way i'm describing here. it's just reserving that particular tone (i'm better than you and am displeased with you)#for royalty only. which makes sense given royalty's whole deal
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[ cw: dismemberment / ]
I think a lot about how Leo’s rescue could have easily ended in him losing a leg as the portal snaps shut on the Krang still clutching the limb, or, alternatively, only having Leo’s right arm make it out, still held dearly in his brother’s hand as the rest of Leo is left behind. (The latter hits even harder, as it directly parallels his future self in the worst of ways.)
I think a lot about how so many things could have gone wrong during the course of the movie with even a little bit of a change, but it really is harrowing how much of a coin-flip the entirety of the Prison Dimension rescue was.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rottmnt headcanons#rise leo#dismemberment /#if literally any part of the prison dimension rescue was different it would have ended Very Badly#mikey came in clutch for doing the impossible in the first place#raph grabbing leo and not once letting go was vital#and donnie directly hitting the krang was essential#hell leo having the ability to reach out at all in the state he was in was a miracle#listen I think about the prison dimension a lot if you couldn’t tell#for the next tags:#strangulation mention /#physical trauma induced mutism /#potential death mention /#potential sibling death mention /#barely it mainly focuses on if he lives but /#I also think about how Leo’s trachea could have easilyyy given out as Raph (krangified) was choking him#can you imagine the last words raph hearing from his little brother being I’m sorry?#he’d likely live as the hamato bros are built different but imagine if he straight up can’t talk again after#the bros having no idea what Leo’s plan is but they suddenly feel him disappear with the portal#or also#imagine all he gets out in his hoarse voice is to beg Casey to close the portal before his family HEARS the sudden silence like a knife#even if he gets saved his voice may be wrecked or even gone for good#what am I writing wait-#also for my point on leo losing his arm paralleling his future self#imagine fate being a thing in this world but a VERY situational thing#imagine it makes it so that leo has to lose a limb#but not just that - it also ties his presence directly with the Krang’s - so if the Krang’s somewhere else…so is he
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What can I say? They're my favorite.
#twdg#twdg clouis#clouis#twdg clementine#twdg louis#sometimes they creep back into my mind and i'm like 'ah yes' like a crow admiring a pretty stone they found years ago and kept#also thank you pi for the screenshots. i used to have a whole folder full of them but that was when i was doing themed nights#the source for these is me i just have a random document full of dynamics and ship things i enjoy because.....i dunno i like keeping track#and so many of them apply to clouis but there's also an overlap of with clouis and rose/alistair [my warden from origins and alistair] like#alistair's romance route is like an evolved matured and extended version of clouis sksksks gee i wonder if i have a type#look you present me with a character who deflects with humor and isn't taken seriously by the rest of the group and the longer you know the#the more you realize how high they've built a wall around themselves and how *unwell* they really are and how they're not as sunshine#as they present themselves and also they avoid leadership and responsibility until they grow closer with someone who pushes them#and they end stronger and more balanced as a person while finding the affection they've craved#and also there's the daddy issues#present me with that character as a romantic option and i'm in no questions asked okay i don't want the mean broody one that's meh to me#i want the one that has every reason to be broody but chooses not to be because they have a completely different defense mechanism#and a warped sense of themselves and self-esteem issues they leave unaddressed until forced to face them#i'm just saying i'm aware that i have a type i'm always going to gravitate toward clouis nearly checks all the boxes#also the lack of clouis these days? my crops are thirsty and i have too many ongoing projects to do anything about it other than this sksks#so until i make time to finish my long ass louis/clouis analysis this is the best i can provide for now
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do you consider your self made?
#my art#self portrait of sorts#been musing a lot on disability recently and how being relatively freshly unable to do Most Things has changed my perspective on things#for a long time growing up i was fixated on the idea of being An Impact On The World yknow? mainly the next Big Writer#(and that it would be sooo impressive that everyone would make my books bestsellers when i was only 12 because it was That Good)#and i mean. obviously that didnt work out as originally planned because i was 12 and learning. but I've felt a lot like#I've kind of built my sense of self on those big achievements. even if they were only big to me. and a lot of them#are now out of reach or very difficult to reach. and it's been a lot to. recontextualize#to take what ive been told my whole life and ignore it in favor of just being being enough.#things will happen as they happen. i havent earned anything by suffering but it hasnt ended the world either#im here doing what i Can do for as long as I'm able to do it. and thats all i need to be for now#just making sure that i Do do the things i can do rather than assume i can do them later#anyways. love you#cw:#top nudity#artistic nudity#the dreaded ambiguously presenting nipple#if you put any pro weight loss eating disorder shit on here ill kill you btw#my body is sexy because im in it and im still alive. not because its struggling to stay that way#lindwormposting
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of the many injustices put forth toward the show by fans i think the most overall damaging and telling of a complete lack of critical viewership is the idea that sam riegel builds his characters with nothing more than the bit in mind. like you are only telling on yourself if you think characters like scanlan shorthalt and veth brennato are one-dimensional and depthless
#if im being exTREMEly generous i can maybe understand this view of scanlan if you started c1 and then gave up 30 episodes later#he played the long game with him more than any other and a lot of his growth could be looked at as shallow if you DIDNT watch til the payoff#but any time this opinion is used as a blanket over all of his characters including tary and even FCG.. like be serious#i mean at this point im definitely biased bc he is my favorite player at the table. However. that wasnt always the case#and even when i was myself writing some character choices off i NEVER applied that to the characters themselves. how can you??#seen sooo many ppl criticize him for making veth an alcoholic or scanlan irreverent & hedonistic as tho it’s only possible#to play these traits as shallow jokes or at best played out satire…. and then the same person will turn around#and praise how percy was built to be pompous & superior and jester immature & self-centered and caleb steeped in self-effacing hubris#why are these characters and their players given a near universal acceptance of nuance and acknowledgement of growth & healing#but SAMS CHARACTERS ARE NOT!!!!#this turned into such a rant but it bothers me SO much. everyone at the cr table is so goddamned talented#and takes the game as seriously as it deserves#so many more points i could argue but this is already so goddamn long no one is reading this far. i love sam and all of his characters <333#critical role#sam riegel#scanlan shorthalt#veth brennato#my posts
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Just Admit It- Part 1
I've been playing around with possible friendship dynamics of the Beast Council for fun!! I love imagining what kind of childhood they could have in the Forgotten Land all together.
What if Carol and Sillydillo are the fun-loving extroverts? Leon is the introverted one who's been smitten by Carol for a really really long time but he's too shy about it? And Gori is the friend who is an excellent observer and will bluntly tell you what he thinks (and maybe has a tendency to get grumpy when things aren't easily going his way).
Somewhat of a prequel to this other doodle comic about Leon and Carol- everyone here is still a kid ^_^
Part 2
#I know beast pack headcanons are so wildly up to interpretation! there's a few canon personality traits and lots of space to fill in betwee#I also just love stories about a group of lifelong friends all doing their best!#so why not play around with them and see what kind of stories about love and friendship they might experience? heehee.#and not all of them are about just Leon and Carol I have other plans!! this is just one of the first ones I have :P#these are quick and very self indulgent but I hope they can still be enjoyable hehe#friend squads for the win!!#also I feel like I draw the beast council a little differently every time I try lol. I'm getting used to them okay they are all so so shape#you should see the first drawings I ever tried to do of them. they are a little rough xD#I'm starting to understand why there's not a TON of content for them. Pretty much everyone except Carol are BUILT DIFFERENT#LEONGAR. WHY is your body and head proportioned like that?! you made me make up my own rules for drawing you!!#sillydillo and your funny little snout! I learned so much studying you! and I have so much work to do with all of you adjakflja#but I guess that's the definition of developing personal art styles huh?#so I guess these funny little stories have the added benefit of getting me more comfortable with the beasts!#ANYWAY that concludes this round of Jojo's director's commentary. like and subscribe#beast pack#clawroline#leongar#sillydillo#gorimondo#beast council#Kirby and the forgotten land#Kirby series#art#caroleon#????#sHOOT I still don't know the ship name I can't commit to one someone please tell me what it is I don't want to make one up ahh#ask me to tag it and I will happily do so sdjakfljdsla
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Working on my Shego cosplay and shared some progress pics.
Both @creatorping and my bf gave me a little pep-boost 😭💖
So I ended up doodling sleeveless Shego as a result.
#by all means I'm not muscular at all#i am pretty strong tho (???)#mostly just self-conscious about my appearance and built... Don't like how I look like most of the time#i wanna go to the gym to get stronger but I also don't like other people that might look at me because I'm new and inexperienced#just flower thoughts#flower ramblings#flower's sketchbook#shego
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one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it
#theres no peace#every little thing reminds me we are poor#seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time#im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly#the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job#and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support#and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money#because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live#its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin#time#cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for#sorry for the ranting i cant sleep#truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin#more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful#i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it#i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things#spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income#not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it
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#malevolent podcast#john doe malevolent#the nemesis speaks#nemesis art#mv liveblog#it's been 3000 years but i finally drew a scorpijohn. everybody clap#i really like this guy tbh he's such a critter. like to put a cup over him reblog to take him outside#ANYWAY UH obligatory rambling about design notes in the tags:#the king isn't a bugs. john is off doing his own thing. he got sent to the hell dimension that makes you a bugs#(less goofy: i really like the idea of the dark world both giving him more obvious weapons but also making him into something#that reads as vermin and is very clearly. dangerous yes. but very low on the food chain. that feels extremely apt)#like yes he's a threat but he's built to protect himself at the expense of others. not for torture for its own sake.#very visually distinct from the king who is mostly too powerful to have a need for overt self-defense like that#yes his stinger's way more flexible than a real scorpion's. that's bc it's a modified tendril and also bc i felt like it#also still never gonna give up giving him bloodstains <3 it's all arthur's btw. you get the symbolism etc#anyway. rampant abuse of frog scorpion parable imagery go
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I feel like if Chujin was still alive during the events of Undertale Yellow, his and Clover's relationship would be incredibly rocky. Pacifist!Clover could bring him around to tolerating them (after all, they have that sort of effect on everyone), but it would be more in a "this human is the only 'good' human" manner than a "maybe I should reevaluate my opinions on humans overall because you can't judge an entire group based off (very biased) stories and one bad experience." Even then, that opinion would be subject to change should Clover ever get frustrated or behave "too aggressively" or act in any manner that isn't perfectly docile. If Clover ends up attacking a monster then it's "humans are just as horrible as they were in the war stories, I should've known better" regardless of the circumstances that could've pushed Clover to fight. Suffocating expectations and endless demands for patience when he wouldn't ask the same of a fellow monster.
And heaven forbid he ever meet Clover on a No Mercy Run...
#undertale yellow#i hc that his parents were involved in the war and he was born after monsters were sealed underground#so he's one degree removed from all that trauma which is understandable why he'd be so afraid#but at the same time Blackjack had similar circumstances and he came around to liking clover and judging based on character#instead of by who someone is.#sometimes you need to sit down and realize that the problem is you and your views instead of everyone else but he doesn't strike#me as the sort to do that type of self reflection.#Chujin is a character who is absolutely ruled by his fear. he leaves kanako and dalv alone after they were attacked by a human#to sicc axis on integrity. he hinged his whole career on building guard robots (and judging by some of the paperwork in the Steamworks#he was the only one who wanted to build guard robots).#he destroyed his health and left his wife a widow/his child fatherless to craft a serum to defeat humans.#he experimented on a human (child's!!!!) soul and ordered his wife to k.ill an INNOCENT human.#he literally says that humans are incapable of decency in any form!!!!! the writing is on the wall!!!!!#not to sound like I'm bashing on his character because he did do a lot of good for the underground. he made the honeydew resort heater#and Martlet's balcony. and it's implied he built the bridge between the wild east and Starlo's family's farm with the fox-bell#symbol on that bridge. he inspired martlet to take up woodwork which put her on the path to joining the Royal Guard and meeting clover#he likely did a bunch of other good things as well that never got brought up. he did do some good actions.#but he is not someone that i would call a good person.#(realized i ended up with a long string of tags down here. if someone wants to screenshot it and add it to the post go for it)#edit: i find it utterly fascinating that he calls humans incapable of decency yet acknowledges that there can be a pure human SOUL#what an utter hypocrite! i doubt the contradiction ever even occurred to him!
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I'm not gonna indulge too much in my Undertale AU on Tumblr, I am gonna just keep it private as I do wanna keep my main focus on my FNAF AU, but here y'all go
It's a little rough, but people really liked my Mettaton AU design so I wanted to desperately draw him :')
It's not the best, but I wanted to draw something today.
#i spent all of today mucking around with my art fight#changing profile pics for characters and editing all 90+ of my attacks to have updated thumbnails#aswell as adding characters and such--- it was alot#so this was a nice random sketch i did just to wind down.#I also randomly painted an eyeball out of boredom so THAT'S something#but yeah i hope this is ok#its rough like i said but theres a charm to it.#a little about my AU mettaton as a treat:#he is heavily posessed. he ran away from alphys halfway built between ex and neo#and has to power himself by using his actual ghost alot of the time#he salvaged his charging supply (or batteries idk what makes him run)#but the body is insufficient with power so he has to rely on possession alot of the time especially#when the body ages.#his eyes flicker pink when hes posessed and his ghost self does make himself appear outside of the suit#but with his soul still bound to the body#he can only go so far before he cannot anymore. he is literally tied to his body now HSGSVSV#he also goes by Hapsta in my au. a play on Hapstablook and also to avoid toyhouse sniping me#tho you can call him mtt or mettaton anyways idm lol#mettaton#undertale#undertale au#undertale oc#mettaton au#my art#my oc art
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